fears (WARNING: Viewer discretion advised)

Just when I think I have my worst fears under control, I'm reminded that I'm not in control at all and I must trust Jesus...at every moment. If I don't surrender every fear to Him than I'm subjecting myself to spiritual disaster. One little tremor in my emotional fault line will eventually trigger a tsunami of fear barreling right down at me and I will be swept away.

We all have fears.
Fear comes in different shapes and sizes.
One fear to some might look ridiculous to another.
We seem to judge each others fears as if to downplay our own when we respond to someone who is struggling, 

"Get over it!"

"Get a grip."

"Why can't you just let it go?"

But when it comes to our own set of demons we cower in the corner. 

The fact is that, everyday, we have one of two choices;
we can decide to let fear dictate our every move or
we can surrender our worst fears to Jesus and trust Him for whatever the outcome may be. 

This is not easy. 

Imagine your worst fears. 

I know mine right off...

losing my husband to adultery or death, 

losing my children to death, 

someone abusing my child, 

and the fear of what others think of me. 

My heart is tested by one or more of these fears on a daily basis. 

I know that my fears have a hold on me when I have fooled myself into thinking that I have a hold on them and then before I know it I'm the one shackled. 

Yesterday, in just minutes and moments Aaron and I thought that Ben was going to die. 

A normal morning turned into calling 911 when Ben routinely took his inhaler then passed out falling backwards and cracking his head open on the granite countertop. 

When we got to him we didn't know what happened. He regained consciousness but there was blood everywhere and the back of his head was literally filleted open. He was as white as a ghost but we were all still a little under control at that point because he was somewhat alert as we assessed the situation. (I'm so grateful that Aaron was home.) When we decided to get him up to take him to to ER he started mumbling and rolling his eyes back into his head..and just like that, his whole body slumped over on me and the only word he said before he lost consciousness again was, "Mom, help me." I gently got him to the floor but he was almost gray at this point and both Aaron and I instantlioulsy thought the very worst.."brain bleed?, cardiac arrest?, what is going on!? Jesus please help our son!" Ben regained consciousness again and started making a little more sense.."I'm fine, I'm fine." The paramedics came and we all got him in the car and took him to the hospital. Long story short he has pneumonia and he passed out because his blood pressure was low and he was holding his breath too long after his asthma medication. They had to pull his scalp back together with five staples and by the afternoon he was home playing legos. Thank God. 

But that paralyzing moment of fear was the worst.
All those "what if's" and the temptation to replay in my mind what happened or what could've happened.
All of it oozing up like a backness ready to take me over. 

I truly believe that we do not have to live in constant fear and worry.
Yes, the worst can happen and it might happen,
but to live in fear of something you don't know for sure will happen can ruin your life and paralyze your faith. 

As followers of Christ we are promised "Peace that passes understanding to guard your hearts and minds..." Philippians 4:7 

This kind of peace is available to us at every second of every day...
but we must choose to put off fear to put on peace.
It is a faith filled conscious choice. 

When the fear tides rise we have to take advantage of the opportunity to practice building up our faith on the higher ground through the study of God's Word, spending time in prayer, and worshipping him rain or shine.

Jesus talked about this truth in his parable of the wise and foolish builders in Matthew 7:24-27

24 “Therefore, everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them will be like a sensible man who built his house on the rock. 25 The rain fell, the rivers rose, and the winds blew and pounded that house. Yet it didn’t collapse, because its foundation was on the rock. 26 But everyone who hears these words of Mine and doesn’t act on them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. 27 The rain fell, the rivers rose, the winds blew and pounded that house, and it collapsed. And its collapse was great!”

My peace cannot be dependent on the fact that Ben is (miraculously) back at school today.

My peace is in knowing that my Savior keeps all of my loves much safer than I ever could. 

Ben has been to the ER so often I wonder he may become a physician when he grows up. 

(This is the gross part.. but Ben will look back on it and brag I'm sure) 

cubic zirconia is not gonna cut it for this girl

It was the first snow 

and while most kids throw on their 

mittens, hats, scarves and snow pants 

she prefers heels

(and ice super powers.) 

New Name...Again!

Because it's a new year and I love change! And because we just celebrated our fifth Christmas together on this Little Acre Farm. In a few months we will have lived here longer than we have lived anywhere else as a family. This place is becoming so much a part of us and we are grateful for our beautiful home, our small piece of land, and all the memories we have made and those yet to come.

Crazy cousins playing Star Wars with a cat in a sling...it's breathing, I checked. 

worth the time

I'm always looking for good books, music, and movies. Our time is precious and any free time is a treasure so I would rather not waste it on crap. There is so much junk out there when it comes to media in general but the ones noted below were well worth the time. Trying to redeem the time is not easy these days...especially with so many time suckers to choose from! These were worth it. And instead of sucking away my time they gave me so much in return; lessons that have enriched my life. 

Book: 
"Beautiful Boy" by David Sheff

This book was very hard to read but incredibly powerful. It is written by the father of drug and alcohol addict. If you or someone that is close to your heart has walked through the darkness of addiction I highly recommend this book. It is not written from a "Christian" perspective but it spoke volumes to me of the love of a father for his child. It also set my heart very free in terms of loving and struggling to heal if you have experienced addiction from the outside looking in. It shed light on the mind of an addict and the reasoning behind many behaviors that are not only self destructive but detrimental to their loved ones. It took me some time to get through it because it really is heart wrenching but well worth the effort. I give this book two thumbs up and will be sharing it with our kids when they are older. 

Albums: 
"Floodplain" by Sara Groves 
"The Burning Edge of Dawn" by Andrew Peterson 

Lyrically brilliant and musically layered these albums have some true insight when it comes to love, life, and our faith. I have been texting the songs to many friends in hopes that they would lift up their souls as they have mine. Another double thumbs up! 

Movie: 
"On the Way to School" 

A documentary that follows the humbling and inspiring lengths it takes for some children to receive an education. I watched this film with Zibby just last night, (it's free on Netflix), and both of us were speechless by the end of it and even started it over so that Daddy could watch it with us. I would highly recommend this movie if you would like to get a little insight on how blessed we are to have so much knowledge readily available to our families within our homes and in our schools.