"so in the night my hope lives on"

the soul heavy hurt of saying saying goodbye to our baby leaves me empty and full of question.

"what happened?" I whisper in the silence as my body cramps with the surrender of a dream I feel we will miss for the rest of our lives.

the unemotional black and white truth of the ultrasound screen looking back at me more evenly than the quiet Doctor,

my tears flow freely along with the bright red passing of our little one contrasting with the white of the paper sheet beneath me...

that's what a broken heart looks like.

"I'm sorry" he says and leaves me alone in that sterile room with it's stainless steel sink and medical waste trash bin, both filled with the letting go of what had become so precious to me...

so precious to each one of us.

the husband driving 4 hours home to hold me,

the brother and sisters dropping their backpacks and pouring into my arms, wiping away my tears as they forget about their own,

I'm restless with this.

Each one of us will ask our God the same question in the dark...

"Why?"

I can pretend to be resilient and strong...

I can give these bootstraps a tug and move on,

but I've learned that this mentality leaves open wounds that need true healing.

healing comes through honesty,

and vulnerability,

wrestling,

and faith that holds on in the night.

Show Yourself strong on our behalf God.

Amen.

This song has ministered to my heart countless times throughout this year of goodbye's

In The Night
Andrew Peterson

I am weary with the pain of Jacob's wrestling
In the darkness with the Fear, in the darkness with the Fear
But he met the morning wounded with a blessing
So in the night my hope lives on

When Elisha woke surrounded by the forces
Of the enemies of God, the enemies of God
He saw the hills aflame with angels on their horses
So in the night my hope lives on

I see the slave that toils beneath the yoke unyielding
And I can hear the captive groan, hear the captive groan
For some hand to stay the whip his foe is wielding
Still in the night my hope lives on

I see the armies of the enemy approaching
And the people driven, trembling, to the shore
But a doorway through the waters now is opening
So in the night my hope lives on

Like the son who thought he'd gone beyond forgiveness, 
Too ashamed to lift his head--but if he could lift his head
He would see his father running from a distance
In the night my hope lives on

I can see the crowd of men retreating
As he stands between the woman and their stones
And if mercy in his holy heart is beating
Then in the night my hope lives on

I remember how they scorned the son of Mary
He was gentle as a lamb, gentle as a lamb
He was beaten, he was crucified, and buried
And in the night, my hope was gone

But the rulers of earth could not control Him
They did not take his life--he laid it down
All the chains of earth could never hope to hold him
So in the night my hope lives on

Zibby's Prayer

Our three Kookies will be four and it feels so strange...they've always just been three. That's how its been. That's how it was supposed to be. So, when we found out that God had given us another baby in the same month our first baby turned thirteen, our hearts, at first, did not soar with joy and wonder. We know that life is a miracle, and that scores of child worthy couples try and try for just one precious baby, and here we were...overwhelmed with worry over a miracle...a miracle! But God was patient with our reaction, He let us wrestle with this unexpected gift...and the reluctant struggle to receive what He has given us has transformed into an embrace of faith. The five of us are in awe...and reminded that God has plans way above and beyond our own...plans that we might not initially understand or even realize were a part of our own hearts until he knocks us upside the head with it... "For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." Ephesians 2:10  What a relief! He had this planned all along. So, with that, we are given another opportunity to surrender our will to His. And now we are nothing but grateful....so grateful that He would give us this gift despite our questions and fears. The fact of the matter is He heard a prayer we did not have the courage to whisper...the prayer that only Zibby voiced into words unknown to anyone but her God, "Please give mommy another baby in her tummy." He heard you little girl and we are so grateful He answered your precious prayer.