Exposure.
I was born brave. Any family member will recall the times I risked life, limb, or reputation..simply for the thrill of it.
So what happened to me?
With each passing year a brand new fear decides to hitch a ride in my heart.
From flying in airplanes to meeting new people (and everything in between)...at times I'm almost crippled with fear and anxiety.
I think that fear is meant to hold us back. To keep us "safe". It is an appropriate response in the right environment. But...the fear that cripples me, and so many other souls, is out of context and can lead to addiction, depression, and isolation...among other things.
So...time for some exposure.
Why?
Simply because I'm just so sick and tired of being afraid.
Here it goes...
I'm afraid of what people will think of me when they find out that I didn't go to college.
I'm afraid of what others may think about my many imperfections. (I have ugly toenails, a lot of horrible moles, fake teeth, bad temper...etc.)
I'm afraid of what others think about my kids. I want everyone to love my kids and think that they are the smartest, most well mannered, beautiful, talented, adorable children on the face of this earth. (Well...they are aren't they?)
Sometimes, I'm afraid my husband won't love me anymore. I fear that he will leave me for someone who is more successful, athletic, gorgeous, interesting, nice...etc. (especially the "nice" part:)
I'm afraid someone will hurt my kids. And I'm afraid of what I would do to them if they did.
I'm afraid to fail.
And...I'm afraid to publish this post because now you all know what weirdo I am:)
Well, that's just to name a few of the big ones for me. I know that we all have them, but there are times when it feels like I'm the only one in the world who feels this way...sharing them is my way of "releasing" them. It makes me accountable to keep these things in check. To hand them over to my Savior and to live a life that is a lot more "Fear Free".
Thanks for listening.
You are by no means alone. I can relate to most of your fears and could name a million of my own. I want to believe with all my heart that the way I am, all of my "imperfections" and traits and so on... that is how God made me and wanted me (sometimes I don't use them they way he intended, I am sure). He loves me and wanted me the way He made me. Wrinkly hands and all. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing!
ReplyDelete(the first thing I thought of when you started writing this post is you sitting on the edge of Half Dome, dangling your feet... of course I didn't see it because I have always been a scared little mouse and couldn't make it up there! And then there was the jumping off the bridge....)
thank you sweet friend...I love what you said, "He loves me and wanted me the way He made me.." love you!
ReplyDeleteHi Jenn-
ReplyDeleteFear grips me a lot sometimes too, it is something that grabs me by surprise and will also paralize me, I recently was struggling with fear and came across this verse and encouragement, I loved it! Thanks for being fearless and sharing.
"Whatever we are facing in this moment we can choose to grab on to the truth. Let everything else go. Let go of the anxiety, fear, uncertainty, and frustration. Park our mind with what is true. "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free" (John 8:32)."
Could've fooled me! You nut! We all are there w/ you! We just aren't fearless enough to say it! Thanks for sharing. I feel like I am closer to you these days.... how is that possible since you are so much further away???.... tears..... Love ya Jenn!
ReplyDeleteI think it is funny sometimes how we perceive others as having it "all together" and it makes us feel insecure because we compare ourselves to what we think is "perfect" about someone else. Thanks for being an imperfect person! I can identify with everything you said down to the moles and fake teeth! LOL!
ReplyDeleteThis is one of the best posts ever. I love it. I love how real you are. And I totally identify. (But really, you have a bad temper?)
ReplyDeleteI could have written your post. But, then I would be lying about the teeth. They do have a lot of fillings, though. Praying for you, and I'll keep my eyes peeled for ruby slippers.
Much love and many hugs from your weird friend.
YEAH! I finally figured out HOW to leave a comment! Up till now I have been reading wishing I could comment in reply.
ReplyDeleteWOW.......I love you Jenn. My only regret is as an adult I was not able to be around you. I will have to say in following you here and having known you for years, I would have NEVER guessed any of these would be fears that you would have.
You are the most amazing woman of God I know! You have a NO FEAR go for it.......out look on life! Your love for Jesus radiates in all you do.
Praise the Lord for your honesty and the blessing it is to me and many others who read your blog. I don't have a blog, but if I had to list out my fears, thinking my computer would go into OVER LOAD! Praise the LORD, we are not able....but HE IS ABLE!!!!!! He can use even us! AMAZING, but oh so true.
I am excited to see/read the road the LORD has for you to walk on while you are faithfully following Him each day.
Tons of HUGS from OREGON!
LeAnne :)