"so in the night my hope lives on"

the soul heavy hurt of saying saying goodbye to our baby leaves me empty and full of question.

"what happened?" I whisper in the silence as my body cramps with the surrender of a dream I feel we will miss for the rest of our lives.

the unemotional black and white truth of the ultrasound screen looking back at me more evenly than the quiet Doctor,

my tears flow freely along with the bright red passing of our little one contrasting with the white of the paper sheet beneath me...

that's what a broken heart looks like.

"I'm sorry" he says and leaves me alone in that sterile room with it's stainless steel sink and medical waste trash bin, both filled with the letting go of what had become so precious to me...

so precious to each one of us.

the husband driving 4 hours home to hold me,

the brother and sisters dropping their backpacks and pouring into my arms, wiping away my tears as they forget about their own,

I'm restless with this.

Each one of us will ask our God the same question in the dark...

"Why?"

I can pretend to be resilient and strong...

I can give these bootstraps a tug and move on,

but I've learned that this mentality leaves open wounds that need true healing.

healing comes through honesty,

and vulnerability,

wrestling,

and faith that holds on in the night.

Show Yourself strong on our behalf God.

Amen.

This song has ministered to my heart countless times throughout this year of goodbye's

In The Night
Andrew Peterson

I am weary with the pain of Jacob's wrestling
In the darkness with the Fear, in the darkness with the Fear
But he met the morning wounded with a blessing
So in the night my hope lives on

When Elisha woke surrounded by the forces
Of the enemies of God, the enemies of God
He saw the hills aflame with angels on their horses
So in the night my hope lives on

I see the slave that toils beneath the yoke unyielding
And I can hear the captive groan, hear the captive groan
For some hand to stay the whip his foe is wielding
Still in the night my hope lives on

I see the armies of the enemy approaching
And the people driven, trembling, to the shore
But a doorway through the waters now is opening
So in the night my hope lives on

Like the son who thought he'd gone beyond forgiveness, 
Too ashamed to lift his head--but if he could lift his head
He would see his father running from a distance
In the night my hope lives on

I can see the crowd of men retreating
As he stands between the woman and their stones
And if mercy in his holy heart is beating
Then in the night my hope lives on

I remember how they scorned the son of Mary
He was gentle as a lamb, gentle as a lamb
He was beaten, he was crucified, and buried
And in the night, my hope was gone

But the rulers of earth could not control Him
They did not take his life--he laid it down
All the chains of earth could never hope to hold him
So in the night my hope lives on